Hearts

A few years ago, the answer was, "No."

And I didn't get an explanation.

I'd done everything "right.". Took care of myself, took vitamins, gave up caffeine (how terrible),and prayed like crazy for a healthy baby.

And that kind-hearted doctor had said it - "There was nothing you could have done..."

Isn't it infuriating to encounter our own helplessness?

I sit here mulling over the words of a lovely Christian lady who told me that she homeschools her kids because, in her words: "It's the only way we can keep their worldview what we want."

The ONLY way....

Andy started first grade this week....at public school, of course.  And the Facebook posts and articles get to me just a bit more and make me pause.  I wonder if I've correctly understood God's calling for our family.  I wonder if Andy will choose to give his life to Christ this year, or in junior high, or in college, or not at all.  And if he chooses that last one, will we forever wonder if our schooling choice was the reason?

As you may know, our youngest son had a run in with Kawasaki disease in March.  We have prayed SO much that God would prevent him from having consequential damage to his arteries.  He was scheduled for an echo test today.  I walked through the halls of the hospital with my stomach in knots, fearing that we'd find the answer to those innumerable prayers was "No".  Because really, my only hope lay in God's answer.  Oh sure, I've given Ajay half a baby aspirin every morning for the past 5 months; but was that minuscule amount of medicine going to trump the will of God?

And what about my prayers?  Does the fact that I strive to honor the God who reached down from heaven and saved me from all that destroys me mean that He must always answer "Yes" when I ask?  I don't think it works that way.  There's not much evidence that God rewards those who seek to manipulate Him.

I couldn't make our first baby's heart continue to beat.  And because I saw it sitting still on an ultrasound screen so many years ago, I couldn't watch the echo screen today.  It felt like if I looked at it, that fragile little heart of Ajay's would stop too.  I sat with my face purposely turned from the screen, until somehow, I got distracted and glanced over.

I can't really describe what I saw.  I tried to find a good picture online of a heart on an echo screen, but none could do it justice.  I watched all these pulsing caverns of black, surrounded by what looked like beaming light.  Each tiny moving part was lit up and the whole thing just seemed to glow.  I had to stifle my reaction to keep from creating an uncomfortable situation for the echo tech, but I was overwhelmed.  God is sustaining that little heart.  Without my help.

The blackness of Andy's spiritual heart is undeniable, just like yours and mine.  And what can I do to cause the Light to shine in it?  The better question is: what can anyone do to KEEP the Light from shining in it?

Will exposure to non-believers every day trump God's power to save?  Will the arguments of evolution stamp out the faith God gives?  Will temptation to do wrong simply be too great for the Holy Spirit to overcome?  Will the forces of this evil world so envelop my son that he will be unsave able?  I think we have some encouragement from scripture on this one:

"For it is by grace you have been saved through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" -Ephesians 2:8

In the same way that my vitamins couldn't save our first son, our choice of education system won't save our second.  And in the same way that my powers of vision unleashed upon the echo screen didn't stop Ajay's heart today, the forces of evil in the public school system can NOT prevail against a heart that belongs to Jesus.  If Andy is saved, he will be saved by the same grace that answered "yes" to my prayers today at the hospital.  It will be through his faith, and that not of his mama...that faith in itself is God's gift too.

I'd be lying if I said I had it all figured out.  I don't.  But I can't walk around wondering if everyone else has it all figured out and I'm ruining my kids.  I can't belittle the calling that God has placed in our hearts to be part of the public school system and question it every time someone's Facebook post makes me nervous.  Paul tells Timothy (and me) that God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of  power, love, and discipline.

Therefore, he says, we aren't to be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.  He encourages us to join him in suffering for the gospel according to...get this... "the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus..." -2 Timothy 1:7-9

Homeschooler, public schooler, private schooler:  

Walk with peace and confidence today.  Your God, whose power saved you, is able to save your children.  And it will not happen according to your works, and it will not be hindered by another's works.  We teach our children the truths of God because He IS true and as believers, we can do no other.  However, it is according to HIS own purpose and grace that their hearts will glow with His light.  And THAT is the only way a Christian worldview survives.

I'll leave you with the encouragement Paul gave Timothy in verse 12 of  2 Timothy 1, in which he reveals the reason that he suffers for the gospel according to the purpose God has for him.  He makes sure to say that he is not ashamed of his calling because of this:

"..I know whom I have believed and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."

Mom, Dad, college kid, high schooler, mid-schooler, Andy.....

Know and remember whom you have believed.  He is able to save and to guard.  Trust and rest in His purpose for YOU.  And do NOT be ashamed.

An Open Letter To A Sign

To all "Back To School" signs everywhere... especially the one pictured above:

Wipe that smug look off your face this instant.  You know good and well that it is completely inappropriate and, in fact, offensive, given the nature of your message.  The letters above your clever little tape dispenser eyes should actually read, "Fun Time Is OVER, kids."

The summer raced by.  We had swim lessons and lazy afternoons.  We had Popsicles and water gun fights.  We camped and ate s'mores.  And do you know how many times I thought of you?  Not once. Except for that one time when I had to do laundry all afternoon.  And that one day I spent yelling at the kids every 5 seconds for fighting.  And that day that I just didn't have it in me to be Firestar....or Wonder Woman...or whoever I was told to be that day....anymore.

Ok, I guess I thought about you a lot.  Actually, you drove a lot of my summer days.  My fear of seeing your protractor-smile motivated me to make the very most of every summer moment.  It also made me desperately sad at the end of those days that I felt hadn't lived up to their full potential. You made me feel like I had wasted time that I'd never get back...ever.  And now here you are, taunting me..."Did you do your best, Ash?  Did you do summer RIGHT?"

I guess you're not alone, Back To School Sign.  A lot of inanimate objects seem to evoke this response in me and my fellow humans.  Wonderful things like diplomas and wedding rings, baby shower invites and college acceptance letters....they make us want to dance and sob all at once.  The start of something new always means the end of something else, and we just hate when things end.

And we hate the unknown.

And we don't want to have any regrets.

I reluctantly look up the school supply list for Andy  and ask God to give me His perspective on all of  this.  He is revealing it, through verses that I am so familiar with that I quite often dismiss.  Here we go.

My friend tells me she's praying Psalm 46 for me.  Verse 10 says, "Cease striving and know that I am God.". Oh.  Right.  HE is the ultimate good, faithful, unchanging One who rules over all.  And I asked Him to be in charge of my life.  I asked HIM.  Should I stop trying to do His job?  Should I stop critiquing my execution of His job?  Er......

In Jeremiah, God says He knows the plans He has for me, and that they're good. (see Jeremiah 29:11). Is it possible that the all-knowing, eternal God sees this next stage of our lives...and has already planned for it?  Oh- and by the way, those plans are to give me a future and a hope.  Wait...is that true for my kids too?  You mean their future and hope don't hinge on my parenting?   On my being with them every second of the day?  On what type of schooling they receive?  Ummm ...hmmmm....

And the kicker--my awesome husband reminded me that God, through Paul, shares with us all the secret of contentment:

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"--Philippians 4:13

No, I can't jump off my house and expect not to break my legs because Christ will "strengthen" me; but I DO NOT need to do all of life ALONE!  We humans were never meant to do all things on this earth alone!  My friend moving across the country, my sister sending her little one to preschool, my cousin who is a mom-to-be, and I...CAN do all of these exhausting, wonderful, and terrifying things that lie ahead....WITH our Father because of the saving work of Jesus Christ.  Our comfort in life CAN come from the fact that in all of our failings, soarings, and crashings, we did it all with Emmanuel-- God WITH us.

And just maybe.....He caused...IS causing... it all to work for OUR good; and to accomplish His great and marvelous plans.  Could anyone ever dream to be a part of something bigger?

Oh--- and I can't mess it all up.  Not a single bit of it.

Well. Back To School Sign, this sure escalated quickly.  I still don't like you, and I wish you'd at least give us till August to not have to see your face.  Just know this: I am NOT afraid of you anymore.  You are not bigger than my God.

I win.

Hardship and Happiness

It's unbelievable, really.

I've attempted to write this post 5 times.  I almost succeeded just now, after an hour and a half of work, and my iPad just did the most hilarious thing.  As I typed out my final sentence, it just switched to a different page and got rid of all I'd done.

Hilarious, because this post is about hardship.  So forgive whatever grammar and spelling mistakes lie ahead.  Although it is well past my bedtime, you understand, I MUST finish this.

I'd heard it from the mouth of a dear friend: "Shine bright!". She says this to her daughter as she leaves her with my boys and I for a few hours one morning.

I think on this as I listen to Andy tell me that he missed school during Spring break.  He tells me of how he enjoyed serving a lonely, new boy at school the way he thinks Jesus would've done it.  I can't help but think how far we've come since the mornings  I'd walk away from the playground, leaving him crying underneath the slide.

Little does he know that his mama was ready to quit public school just a few weeks ago...over a pretty minor issue.

But really, it's a huge issue.  For all of us.  Let me explain (for the 5th time):

I was helping in Andy's class one day as they colored paper Easter eggs.  One little girl just couldn't decide what color to use for the background of her egg.  I suggested that she block it out, and use all three colors she liked.  While she was thrilled with this solution, she ended up getting in trouble for executing it.  Apparently, because some kids would end up with a big black blob if allowed to use more than one color, the children had been specifically instructed to use only one color.  The little girl was quite embarrassed, as was I.  My attempt to take all the blame for the incident was not successful.  "She knew better".  I left school that day determined to homeschool my kids.  I didn't want MY son's creativity squashed and traded in for conformity.  At least, that's what I told myself.

About a week later, our youngest son ended up in the hospital with Kawasaki disease.  I felt the same anger I'd felt in Andy's classroom that day, except this time, I was angry with God.  How could He let this happen?

It struck me as I sat in that hospital room....how easily I lose sight of the goal.  The prize.The reason for all I do.  For most of my life, I've made happiness (or maybe just the avoidance of unhappiness) the ultimate aspiration.  And so, if I am a "good" parent, I'll do everything in my power to eliminate all possible sources of unhappiness in my child's life, right? 

But this breaks down in the hospital room.  Because if God is MY good parent, why am I sitting here watching my baby boy burn up from the inside?

God, of course, does nothing accidentally.  And so, my Bible study group just happens to be working through the book of James.  You must know where I'm headed with this:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything"--James 1:2-4

Would I say that as a parent, I might like to see my boy become mature?  Complete?  LACKING NOTHING?  I have been willing to settle for far less: "I just want him to be happy...."

Because here's the real, honest truth, folks.  I'm not worried that public school will turn Andy into some kind of mindless, conforming robot.  The boy is the anti-joiner.  The mere fact that everyone is doing something is what makes him not want to do it.  I am not worried in the least that public school will crush his creativity.  The child comes home and creates spy gadgets out of copy paper, for heaven's sake.  The school system, in my eyes, had essentially become a threat to my Andy's happiness.  And because my goal for myself and for him has been quite displaced, I deemed that completely unacceptable.

Good Friday comes, and the Son of God hangs on a cross, utterly alone.  Had His Father chosen to trade His hardship for temporary happiness, you and I would have no hope.  None.

Easter Sunday comes, and Jesus rises to His Father's invitation: "Shine bright!". And the proof of His love and power lives.  The power of sin, the sting of death, GONE.

Happiness....a fleeting counterfeit for joy....joy that comes with the wholeness that only Christ can bring...it isn't the prize.

HE is the prize.

The guarantee was never a life without hardship.  The guarantee is that Jesus has redeemed all that is frustrating, sad, painful, and horrifyingly wrong with life in this world...and WE get to be part of that redemption.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world, you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."--John 16:33

Ill take the hardship.  Because if the trials and difficulties of this life are the doors through which I...and my son... get to enter into deeper relationship with the Highest and Best, it is worth it. it is MORE than worth it.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worthyto be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us."--Romans 8:18

Take heart, believer.  You hold the hand of the Light of men.  If you are unhappy, draw nearer to Him as you walk through the darkness.  He has already overcome it.  Rise to His invitation, and WITH Him, SHINE BRIGHT!