Thanks That Stings

"I don't know what to write".

This is how most of Andy's classmates (him included) began their Thanksgiving assignment, "I'm Thankful For....".  In an effort to help them get started, I'd ask each kid to think of something good in his or her life. Pretty quickly the wheels would start turning and pencils would start scribbling.  I patted myself on the back for a job well done.

That night, I read a portion of The Hiding Place by CorrieTen Boom.  In case you haven't read this treasure of a book, it is Corrie's own memoir based on her family's experiences during World War II.  Corrie and her family worked to protect and move Jews during the years of German occupation.  They were arrested and, after several months in a Dutch prison, Corrie and her sister, Betsie, were transported to a concentration camp in Germany.

Upon their arrival at Ravennsbruck, after undergoing thorough and degrading inspection, Corrie and Betsie were led to their new "dormitories".  Aside from the stench of backed-up plumbing and rancid bedding, the real horror set in when Corrie realized that these dorms were swarming with fleas.  As they climbed up the disgusting, high-centered pallets on which they were to sleep, Corrie asked Betsie, "...how can we live in such a place?".  Betsie's reply was to her Father: "Show us.  Show us how."

A minute later, Betsie excitedly turned to Corrie, saying that God had given them the answer before they asked...that morning, when they had read their Bible.  They opened it back up to the scripture they'd read before their arrival to Ravensbruck:

"We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the faint hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  See that no one repays another for evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.  Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."--1Thessalonians 5:14-19

"That's it, Corrie!" Betsie exclaims.  "that's what we can do.  We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks.". 

So they begin to thank God for blessings: they'd been placed together; they miraculously still had their Bible; there were so many there who, because of the cramped quarters, would hear the Word.

But then Betsie thanked God for the fleas.

"Betsie," I imagine her tone is one of disbelief and indignance, "there's no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.". I'm totally with her.  And I know certain times when, in my heart, I've thought, "I will NEVER thank God for THIS".

Betsie's reply, though, reveals where Corrie and I have the idea of Thanksgiving quite wrong.

"Give thanks in all circumstances.  It doesn't say, 'in pleasant circumstances'.  Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.". So, Corrie was made to give thanks for the fleas, sure that Betsie was out of her mind.

Over time, Betsie and Corrie had great crowds of women gathering for worship services in those filthy dorms.  While Betsie knitted socks with the weakest of the prisoners, she shared the Word.  The numbers of believers grew exponentially as Betsie and Corrie watched the transformation of the hopeless heartbroken to the joyful renewed. All of this happened without so much as a "Quiet down!" from the guards, who would gladly beat any one of them to death for creating even the slightest stir.  In fact, the guards wouldn't even come near the doorways to the dorms.  Why?  You guessed it.

The fleas.

The thanks I give...it often costs me nothing.  I save it for the times of happiness and abundance; when I've got my way and it all works out the way I'd like; when I have lots of 'good things' to point to.

But when I suffer loss....when it doesn't seem like things are working out my way...when I can't see any 'good' that could possibly come from a situation....

I'm silent.  I'm angry.  "How could you?" rolls off the tongue far easier than "Thank you".

Psalm 50 offers an invitation:

"He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me; And to him who orders his way aright I shall show the salvation of God."

Reader, will we hold onto what we feel entitled to: our rights, our definition of fairness, our demands to know it all, our dignity, our pride....and only give thanks for that which makes us happy?  That keeps us comfortable?  That makes sense to our finite minds?

OR

Reader, please, will you unclench your fists with me and thank God in and for whatever circumstance He has put you in?  Will you place all of those things on the altar and burn them in order to give thanks to the God who has promised....

     Never to leave you

     Never to forsake you

     To work all things for your good

     To supply for all your needs

     Overwhelming victory

     Unending peace

     Salvation

ALL through Jesus Christ, who died for us and rose.  

"The salvation of God"....unending joy in friendship with our Father forever....light and goodness and mercy and abundance and shocking LOVE.... He wants to show us this, as He showed (and is showing) Corrie and Betsie.  

If I approach thanksgiving with a heart that trusts my Father and believes that He is working out His glorious plan that makes provision for my good, it will cost me.  I will have to stop the shaking fists and stomping feet; the never-ending demands and discontent.  The idea that I am owed anything in this life and have the right to demand anything at all will have to go.  If I am to give thanks in all circumstances, then I will have to believe that  my God is doing far greater things than I could ever imagine.  It may cost me my pride. And when all these things are gone and in their place is the salvation of God?

I don't think I'll miss them.

Halloween Trash, Christmas Treasure

The day began with a pep talk.  One he didn't really need.  One that I really did need.

I opened the Book.

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ"-Phil 3:7-8

You may or may not have read my post last year about how we don't celebrate Halloween.  What you don't remember, I'm sure, is how I weaseled my way out of having to do something difficult.  Something scary.  Something that would force me to lose so that I might gain.....

To tell the truth.

You don't remember because I didn't tell you.  

Oh, I was happy to share about our decision to abstain from the Halloween festivities in the same way that Daniel abstained from the rich feasts offered to the kids being groomed by the Babylonian king.  I made sure to tell you that we didn't take part in the Halloween party at school.  I highlighted the great opportunity we had to choose to be different from the rest of the world.  It was pretty easy to write.  It was pretty easy to do, really, because aside from a school costume party and sugar high, it cost me nothing.

And I realize now that I also gained nothing.

Here's the truth: I was dishonest with Andy and his teachers.  I planned a family day trip conveniently on October 31 so that I could tell them, "I'm sorry, we'll be out of town that day." And although I've always told Andy why we don't celebrate Halloween, I protected him from the marvelous opportunity to lose so that he could gain...."Who needs that silly old party?  We're going on a trip!  Too bad for all your friends who have to go to school that day, huh?  Plus, you can dress up any time you want! We're so cool.  Most parents only let their kids dress up on Halloween.  Lame, right?  Who cares about Halloween when you can have so much fun without it?"

Shameless.

See....I thought that if I positioned it right, he might not resent us for making him miss the super fun party where he could be Captain America AT SCHOOL and eat candy corn all day long.  Maybe he'd think he's got it so much better than all those kids who got to....no, no...HAD to go to school that day.

And as for the teachers, well, I didn't want them to think I was some kind of religious weirdo that looked upon them with judgement for their extravagant celebration of death and evil.   I don't,  but what if they thought that?  What if I lost that thing I work so hard to protect?  That thing I've allowed to define who I am?

My pride.

I chose to hold it with a closed fist.  I chose to manage it myself because that felt a whole lot safer than letting God use my reputation for His purpose.

And I missed out.

Paul suffered some loss.  His reputation, his status, his prestige, his relationships...eventually, his life.  And he didn't just passively lose them.  He labeled them trash and threw them in the dumpster.  He understood something that I'm just starting to see....

If the show "Hoarders" had a kid version, Andy would be on it.  He'd be the star of it.  It pains that boy to throw anything, ANYTHING, into the trash can.  I once saw him replace the cap of a dried-out marker and place it right back into his art bin.  I told him to throw it away, and what ensued was a 15-minute long discussion about whether he really HAD to get rid of it.  He was worried that someday, he might find some use for it, and he will have lost it forever.  Can you guess what finally motivated him to throw it away?  It was this:

"You know, Andy, Christmas is coming up soon; and we've only got so much space in our house.  So, we can fill up that space with stuff that doesn't work; or we can get rid of the old and make space for the new.  I don't mind calling your grandparents and telling them you're all set with what you've got. It's your choice."

The surpassing value of new Christmas gifts made throwing away the marker the obvious choice.  Though just minutes ago, the marker was labeled, "precious;  when compared to the prospect of shiny new toys, that label changed to "trash".  This way, he had space for something that did have value.

The choice is ours too.

Paul isn't trying to devalue success, status, relationships, or reputation. He is simply saying that  the  prospect of knowing Christ is SO GREAT that these things are not worthy of the label that reads, "PRECIOUS".  Not.  Worthy.

It's hard to get rid of things unless we're convinced that what we're getting is far better than what we had.  So we're given an invitation: "Let go of that thing you've got a death grip on, so that you can come get more of ME.".   And more of Jesus....of all that He is....is ultimately what we really need.  Will I say, "No, thanks"  to more strength, more contentment, more peace, more joy, more wisdom, more love, more of HEAVEN...in order to keep my pride intact?  

If I sit down and think about it, the comparison isn't even worth making...kind of like an old, dried out marker vs. new Christmas gifts.  This thing that makes me strive to make myself into something I'm not...that bids me to lie and manipulate....that tempts me to worship myself and fumes when others don't....it ain't workin'.  I've only got so much space in my heart.  And Christmas is coming.

If it's true that my real life is hidden with Christ; if it's true that His love for me is unconditional; if it's true that in Jesus, I am complete; if it's true that the Creator of the universe cannot love me more or less than He does at this very instant because He loves me infinitely; if who I am is defined by who He is because I am His; if He has prepared a place for me and I'm almost there....

I can throw it away.  All that I considered gain.  All that I'd labeled "precious" and held onto and managed because I just really thought I would need it.....

People's positive opinion of me

The reputation of a Christian who's not crazy

Being my kids' "fun" mom

Our kids never feeling left out

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera

So I did it.

I told Andy the truth that morning.  There's  going to be a fun party that he won't attend.  Tons of kids will be talking about what they're going to be for Halloween.  It's exciting.  It's fun.   There will be candy. He will be left out.

I also told him that when we let go of something....some fun, our reputation, our money, our status, our schedule, our pride, our plans, our very lives....for the sake of honoring Jesus, what we get is far greater than what we let go.   Jesus spoke to my heart through my own pep talk.  It was weird.

But it is true.  These things I think are so important often become road blocks to what really matters.  What if I let God manage my reputation?  What if I decide I'm willing to look crazy for His sake?  What if I let go of the constant pressure to be Queen Fun Mom and let God direct what we do?  What if I let God meet my kids when they're left out?

The surpassing value of knowing Christ enabled me to tell those moms and Andy's teacher the truth last week. It was a little painful.  But now, instead of living with a heart fraught with guilt and disappointment (along with the endless work of justification of my actions), I'm excited.  I'm excited with the expectation of a kid at Christmas.  I know God  has far greater things in store for us than what my puny little efforts to manage my reputation and Andy's feelings can accomplish.  Andy trusted me and was not disappointed on Christmas morning.  Reader, will you trust your God today and ask Him to help you let go of that dried up marker in your hand?

You won't be disappointed.

Hearts

A few years ago, the answer was, "No."

And I didn't get an explanation.

I'd done everything "right.". Took care of myself, took vitamins, gave up caffeine (how terrible),and prayed like crazy for a healthy baby.

And that kind-hearted doctor had said it - "There was nothing you could have done..."

Isn't it infuriating to encounter our own helplessness?

I sit here mulling over the words of a lovely Christian lady who told me that she homeschools her kids because, in her words: "It's the only way we can keep their worldview what we want."

The ONLY way....

Andy started first grade this week....at public school, of course.  And the Facebook posts and articles get to me just a bit more and make me pause.  I wonder if I've correctly understood God's calling for our family.  I wonder if Andy will choose to give his life to Christ this year, or in junior high, or in college, or not at all.  And if he chooses that last one, will we forever wonder if our schooling choice was the reason?

As you may know, our youngest son had a run in with Kawasaki disease in March.  We have prayed SO much that God would prevent him from having consequential damage to his arteries.  He was scheduled for an echo test today.  I walked through the halls of the hospital with my stomach in knots, fearing that we'd find the answer to those innumerable prayers was "No".  Because really, my only hope lay in God's answer.  Oh sure, I've given Ajay half a baby aspirin every morning for the past 5 months; but was that minuscule amount of medicine going to trump the will of God?

And what about my prayers?  Does the fact that I strive to honor the God who reached down from heaven and saved me from all that destroys me mean that He must always answer "Yes" when I ask?  I don't think it works that way.  There's not much evidence that God rewards those who seek to manipulate Him.

I couldn't make our first baby's heart continue to beat.  And because I saw it sitting still on an ultrasound screen so many years ago, I couldn't watch the echo screen today.  It felt like if I looked at it, that fragile little heart of Ajay's would stop too.  I sat with my face purposely turned from the screen, until somehow, I got distracted and glanced over.

I can't really describe what I saw.  I tried to find a good picture online of a heart on an echo screen, but none could do it justice.  I watched all these pulsing caverns of black, surrounded by what looked like beaming light.  Each tiny moving part was lit up and the whole thing just seemed to glow.  I had to stifle my reaction to keep from creating an uncomfortable situation for the echo tech, but I was overwhelmed.  God is sustaining that little heart.  Without my help.

The blackness of Andy's spiritual heart is undeniable, just like yours and mine.  And what can I do to cause the Light to shine in it?  The better question is: what can anyone do to KEEP the Light from shining in it?

Will exposure to non-believers every day trump God's power to save?  Will the arguments of evolution stamp out the faith God gives?  Will temptation to do wrong simply be too great for the Holy Spirit to overcome?  Will the forces of this evil world so envelop my son that he will be unsave able?  I think we have some encouragement from scripture on this one:

"For it is by grace you have been saved through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" -Ephesians 2:8

In the same way that my vitamins couldn't save our first son, our choice of education system won't save our second.  And in the same way that my powers of vision unleashed upon the echo screen didn't stop Ajay's heart today, the forces of evil in the public school system can NOT prevail against a heart that belongs to Jesus.  If Andy is saved, he will be saved by the same grace that answered "yes" to my prayers today at the hospital.  It will be through his faith, and that not of his mama...that faith in itself is God's gift too.

I'd be lying if I said I had it all figured out.  I don't.  But I can't walk around wondering if everyone else has it all figured out and I'm ruining my kids.  I can't belittle the calling that God has placed in our hearts to be part of the public school system and question it every time someone's Facebook post makes me nervous.  Paul tells Timothy (and me) that God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of  power, love, and discipline.

Therefore, he says, we aren't to be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.  He encourages us to join him in suffering for the gospel according to...get this... "the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus..." -2 Timothy 1:7-9

Homeschooler, public schooler, private schooler:  

Walk with peace and confidence today.  Your God, whose power saved you, is able to save your children.  And it will not happen according to your works, and it will not be hindered by another's works.  We teach our children the truths of God because He IS true and as believers, we can do no other.  However, it is according to HIS own purpose and grace that their hearts will glow with His light.  And THAT is the only way a Christian worldview survives.

I'll leave you with the encouragement Paul gave Timothy in verse 12 of  2 Timothy 1, in which he reveals the reason that he suffers for the gospel according to the purpose God has for him.  He makes sure to say that he is not ashamed of his calling because of this:

"..I know whom I have believed and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."

Mom, Dad, college kid, high schooler, mid-schooler, Andy.....

Know and remember whom you have believed.  He is able to save and to guard.  Trust and rest in His purpose for YOU.  And do NOT be ashamed.

An Open Letter To A Sign

To all "Back To School" signs everywhere... especially the one pictured above:

Wipe that smug look off your face this instant.  You know good and well that it is completely inappropriate and, in fact, offensive, given the nature of your message.  The letters above your clever little tape dispenser eyes should actually read, "Fun Time Is OVER, kids."

The summer raced by.  We had swim lessons and lazy afternoons.  We had Popsicles and water gun fights.  We camped and ate s'mores.  And do you know how many times I thought of you?  Not once. Except for that one time when I had to do laundry all afternoon.  And that one day I spent yelling at the kids every 5 seconds for fighting.  And that day that I just didn't have it in me to be Firestar....or Wonder Woman...or whoever I was told to be that day....anymore.

Ok, I guess I thought about you a lot.  Actually, you drove a lot of my summer days.  My fear of seeing your protractor-smile motivated me to make the very most of every summer moment.  It also made me desperately sad at the end of those days that I felt hadn't lived up to their full potential. You made me feel like I had wasted time that I'd never get back...ever.  And now here you are, taunting me..."Did you do your best, Ash?  Did you do summer RIGHT?"

I guess you're not alone, Back To School Sign.  A lot of inanimate objects seem to evoke this response in me and my fellow humans.  Wonderful things like diplomas and wedding rings, baby shower invites and college acceptance letters....they make us want to dance and sob all at once.  The start of something new always means the end of something else, and we just hate when things end.

And we hate the unknown.

And we don't want to have any regrets.

I reluctantly look up the school supply list for Andy  and ask God to give me His perspective on all of  this.  He is revealing it, through verses that I am so familiar with that I quite often dismiss.  Here we go.

My friend tells me she's praying Psalm 46 for me.  Verse 10 says, "Cease striving and know that I am God.". Oh.  Right.  HE is the ultimate good, faithful, unchanging One who rules over all.  And I asked Him to be in charge of my life.  I asked HIM.  Should I stop trying to do His job?  Should I stop critiquing my execution of His job?  Er......

In Jeremiah, God says He knows the plans He has for me, and that they're good. (see Jeremiah 29:11). Is it possible that the all-knowing, eternal God sees this next stage of our lives...and has already planned for it?  Oh- and by the way, those plans are to give me a future and a hope.  Wait...is that true for my kids too?  You mean their future and hope don't hinge on my parenting?   On my being with them every second of the day?  On what type of schooling they receive?  Ummm ...hmmmm....

And the kicker--my awesome husband reminded me that God, through Paul, shares with us all the secret of contentment:

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"--Philippians 4:13

No, I can't jump off my house and expect not to break my legs because Christ will "strengthen" me; but I DO NOT need to do all of life ALONE!  We humans were never meant to do all things on this earth alone!  My friend moving across the country, my sister sending her little one to preschool, my cousin who is a mom-to-be, and I...CAN do all of these exhausting, wonderful, and terrifying things that lie ahead....WITH our Father because of the saving work of Jesus Christ.  Our comfort in life CAN come from the fact that in all of our failings, soarings, and crashings, we did it all with Emmanuel-- God WITH us.

And just maybe.....He caused...IS causing... it all to work for OUR good; and to accomplish His great and marvelous plans.  Could anyone ever dream to be a part of something bigger?

Oh--- and I can't mess it all up.  Not a single bit of it.

Well. Back To School Sign, this sure escalated quickly.  I still don't like you, and I wish you'd at least give us till August to not have to see your face.  Just know this: I am NOT afraid of you anymore.  You are not bigger than my God.

I win.

Hardship and Happiness

It's unbelievable, really.

I've attempted to write this post 5 times.  I almost succeeded just now, after an hour and a half of work, and my iPad just did the most hilarious thing.  As I typed out my final sentence, it just switched to a different page and got rid of all I'd done.

Hilarious, because this post is about hardship.  So forgive whatever grammar and spelling mistakes lie ahead.  Although it is well past my bedtime, you understand, I MUST finish this.

I'd heard it from the mouth of a dear friend: "Shine bright!". She says this to her daughter as she leaves her with my boys and I for a few hours one morning.

I think on this as I listen to Andy tell me that he missed school during Spring break.  He tells me of how he enjoyed serving a lonely, new boy at school the way he thinks Jesus would've done it.  I can't help but think how far we've come since the mornings  I'd walk away from the playground, leaving him crying underneath the slide.

Little does he know that his mama was ready to quit public school just a few weeks ago...over a pretty minor issue.

But really, it's a huge issue.  For all of us.  Let me explain (for the 5th time):

I was helping in Andy's class one day as they colored paper Easter eggs.  One little girl just couldn't decide what color to use for the background of her egg.  I suggested that she block it out, and use all three colors she liked.  While she was thrilled with this solution, she ended up getting in trouble for executing it.  Apparently, because some kids would end up with a big black blob if allowed to use more than one color, the children had been specifically instructed to use only one color.  The little girl was quite embarrassed, as was I.  My attempt to take all the blame for the incident was not successful.  "She knew better".  I left school that day determined to homeschool my kids.  I didn't want MY son's creativity squashed and traded in for conformity.  At least, that's what I told myself.

About a week later, our youngest son ended up in the hospital with Kawasaki disease.  I felt the same anger I'd felt in Andy's classroom that day, except this time, I was angry with God.  How could He let this happen?

It struck me as I sat in that hospital room....how easily I lose sight of the goal.  The prize.The reason for all I do.  For most of my life, I've made happiness (or maybe just the avoidance of unhappiness) the ultimate aspiration.  And so, if I am a "good" parent, I'll do everything in my power to eliminate all possible sources of unhappiness in my child's life, right? 

But this breaks down in the hospital room.  Because if God is MY good parent, why am I sitting here watching my baby boy burn up from the inside?

God, of course, does nothing accidentally.  And so, my Bible study group just happens to be working through the book of James.  You must know where I'm headed with this:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything"--James 1:2-4

Would I say that as a parent, I might like to see my boy become mature?  Complete?  LACKING NOTHING?  I have been willing to settle for far less: "I just want him to be happy...."

Because here's the real, honest truth, folks.  I'm not worried that public school will turn Andy into some kind of mindless, conforming robot.  The boy is the anti-joiner.  The mere fact that everyone is doing something is what makes him not want to do it.  I am not worried in the least that public school will crush his creativity.  The child comes home and creates spy gadgets out of copy paper, for heaven's sake.  The school system, in my eyes, had essentially become a threat to my Andy's happiness.  And because my goal for myself and for him has been quite displaced, I deemed that completely unacceptable.

Good Friday comes, and the Son of God hangs on a cross, utterly alone.  Had His Father chosen to trade His hardship for temporary happiness, you and I would have no hope.  None.

Easter Sunday comes, and Jesus rises to His Father's invitation: "Shine bright!". And the proof of His love and power lives.  The power of sin, the sting of death, GONE.

Happiness....a fleeting counterfeit for joy....joy that comes with the wholeness that only Christ can bring...it isn't the prize.

HE is the prize.

The guarantee was never a life without hardship.  The guarantee is that Jesus has redeemed all that is frustrating, sad, painful, and horrifyingly wrong with life in this world...and WE get to be part of that redemption.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world, you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."--John 16:33

Ill take the hardship.  Because if the trials and difficulties of this life are the doors through which I...and my son... get to enter into deeper relationship with the Highest and Best, it is worth it. it is MORE than worth it.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worthyto be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us."--Romans 8:18

Take heart, believer.  You hold the hand of the Light of men.  If you are unhappy, draw nearer to Him as you walk through the darkness.  He has already overcome it.  Rise to His invitation, and WITH Him, SHINE BRIGHT!