One minute, you’re walking along a safe and familiar
path. The sun is warm, the breeze is
just right, and you’re confident of the way you take.
The road bends unexpectedly. Suddenly, the path looks quite
different. You’re not sure you like
where it’s going.
You look around for familiarity. You attempt to find your way back to the
familiar road…to where you were before the bend. But there’s no going back. You must walk forward, right through the
strange and uncertain.
How do I get back?
Can’t I go back there again? That
place… where I felt secure and content?
I miss it. I miss it.
Levi started preschool this year, right about the time that
I started to feel like a fraud. Right
about the time that I decided I couldn’t be trusted to blog or speak or do
anything at all in the name of Christ... because I just felt lost. I’d suddenly become painfully aware of my
inability to live up to my own expectations for myself, and this thought… that
I’m a failure… was infecting everything I did.
Levi, meanwhile, is hating growing up. He refuses to compartmentalize his little
life and set school in its own small space in his mind. He would rather be home doing anything at all
than be at school; and the fact that he only attends school two short mornings
a week doesn’t weaken his everyday sadness. For Levi, life has changed
forever…and not in a good way. I believe that he, too, feels lost.
And along with feeling lost comes fear. Levi’s suddenly afraid of everything: the
fire alarm, the other kids, something happening to me while he’s away. This fear, like mine of failure, infects most
of Levi’s life.
“Why?”, we ask…
“Why do I have to go to school? Why can’t I just stay home and play?”
Do you know what’s interesting about this question? There’s no satisfying answer to it. None.
Levi’s desire to never, ever have to attend school is far greater than
any benefit I list for him. He DOES NOT
CARE about friends, the playground, crafts, or his future occupation. None of these things come close to
outweighing his renewed love for his old life, and he can’t begin to understand
what future benefits he’ll reap… even if we tell him.
“Why is God allowing this?” What answer will satisfy the heart that asks?
Andy’s teacher, meanwhile, is having a rough go of it
too. She wouldn’t mind me telling you
what she told me: this is one of the hardest times of her life. She’s new to Andy’s school and, for many
reasons, has had a very hard time transitioning. She, too, is feeling lost. She shared a bit of her struggle with her
class, and Andy came home that day with greater conviction than I’d ever seen
in him.
“Some people are saying she’s a bad teacher, Mom”, he said,
“and I want you to know that she’s not.
I think God has put me in her class for a reason… well, maybe a lot of
reasons. But one is to pray for her. And I think another is to encourage her.”
So we do pray for her, every day. And Andy writes encouraging notes to her on
the back of almost every paper he turns in for grading.
And because of these things, she and I, we get to talk one
night about obtaining the only approval that matters. We talk about the endless, hopeless work of
trying to prove ourselves. We talk about
the impossibility of becoming worthy of anyone’s approval, especially our own….
And of the miracle of having gained the approval of the
Creator of the universe.
She cries, and for a minute, I don’t feel so much like I’m
faking my way through life. For just a
minute, I stop asking, “Why is this happening?
Why can’t I just go back to that old, comfortable life where I felt
secure?”. As she shares her heartache, I
thank God that because of the past few months of discomfort… of searching for
security, of questioning MY every thought and word and deed, I can relate. She hears it in my voice as I say, “I KNOW.”
I’m not a fraud. And
I’m not lost. All that time that I spent
searching for an answer, a foothold, for relief, for a way back to” normal”, He
was leading me right here.
“But
if I go to the east, he is not there;
if
I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see
him;
when
he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
But he knows the way that I
take;
when
he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” –Job 23:8-10
Job knew something of sudden bends in the road, didn’t
he? I don’t think any of us would blame
a man who’s suddenly lost his family, his wealth, and his health for asking,
“WHY, GOD?”
The answer is the one Levi needs, the one I need, the one you
need, friend….when your road bends unexpectedly.
“Where
were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?” – Job 38:4
“Have
you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its
place…” – Job 38:12
“Where
is the way to the dwelling of light? And darkness, where is its place, that you
may take it to its territory and you may discern the paths to its home?” – Job
38:19-20
“Is
it by your understanding that the hawk soars, stretching his wings toward the
south? Is it at your command that the
eagle mounts up and makes his nest on high?” – Job 39:26-27
This goes on for quite a while, till Job says…likely,
whispers, “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can
be thwarted…I have declared that which I did not understand, things too
wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
I don’t like when the road bends. And when it does bend and I have to deal with
it, I want assurance that the difficulty I’m encountering will be “worth
it”. I want good reasons for what I’m
having to endure. I want to be able to
trust in the end result…in the destination…and I want that to be of my
choosing.
Don’t we always think we know what we want? This is the reason that we are unsatisfied with
the answers to our “Why?”. We ask it
when we aren’t getting what we want. We
ask it because we believe that only getting what we want will satisfy us. And it's not that what we want is necessarily bad; it's that we can't place our trust in...we can't cling to... what we believe will bring us happiness. If we allowed Levi to do that, he'd grow up unable to enter society as a functioning adult. Ultimately, that's not really what he wants.
But God, He wants me to trust HIM. His character, His faithfulness, His love,
His sovereignty. When Job asked, “Why?”,
God reminded him WHOM he was addressing.
God could handle laying the foundation of the earth without Job…or me. He commanded the morning…this morning…while I
lay helpless and asleep. By His
understanding, all of nature flourishes.
My understanding only reveals that I don’t understand. Is it possible that He knows what I really want…what I really need…what will
make me whole?
Character. It’s a big
deal. If the Joker from Batman said,
“Follow me (oh – and by the way – do you know how I got these scars?)”, I’d run
as fast as I could in the opposite direction.
Joker’s character tells me that I don’t want to go anywhere he
goes. He’s insane, after all. His actions have proven his character.
What about God? What
have His actions shown about His character?
If you read through chapters 38 – 41 of Job, you find Him to be omniscient,
omnipresent, transcendent, unlimited, unstoppable. Job need not fear…the King over all knows the
way he takes.
And us? We have the
benefit of knowing God the Father through His Son:
“I
am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.” –
John 10:11
“The
Father and I are One” – John 10:30
“No
one has seen God at any time; the only begotten God who is in the bosom of the
Father, He has explained Him”. – John 1:18
This God, whose ways are higher than ours, who placed the
stars in the sky, demonstrates His character to us by sending His precious Son
to this wretched place we’ve corrupted by our own choice. Yes, He formed the
galaxies…
…and provides for His sheep
…lets them lie down in green pastures
…leads them beside quiet waters
…walks them through the darkest valleys
…takes their place and suffers and dies
…and asks them to trust Him enough to follow Him, though
they don’t like the path. Though it’s
unfamiliar to them. Though they can’t
see beyond the weeds and it’s dark and scary.
Though this is not at all what they want.
Job’s conclusion… “YOU, God….YOU can do all things. Your purposes (and by Your character, I know
they are good) cannot be thwarted. I don’t
get it.”
THIS brings satisfaction to the lost soul crying out for
answers. God didn’t demand that Job figure it all out
and fix his attitude while he was at it.
He simply reminded him that He is worth trusting.
Reader, will you trust the proven character of Love beyond
human understanding?
For a sheep of the Good Shepherd, feeling lost isn’t really
a problem. He knows we’re worried. He knows our limitations. He doesn’t expect us to forge ahead as if we
were confidently striding familiar trails.
He invites us to walk closer, keep our eyes on Him, and take the next
step with Him. Can’t you hear His
voice? “It’s ok, child, I know the way you take.”
When we get through this thing…when we get to the other
side, we’re going to shine like gold.
Worth it.
