An Open Letter To A Sign

To all "Back To School" signs everywhere... especially the one pictured above:

Wipe that smug look off your face this instant.  You know good and well that it is completely inappropriate and, in fact, offensive, given the nature of your message.  The letters above your clever little tape dispenser eyes should actually read, "Fun Time Is OVER, kids."

The summer raced by.  We had swim lessons and lazy afternoons.  We had Popsicles and water gun fights.  We camped and ate s'mores.  And do you know how many times I thought of you?  Not once. Except for that one time when I had to do laundry all afternoon.  And that one day I spent yelling at the kids every 5 seconds for fighting.  And that day that I just didn't have it in me to be Firestar....or Wonder Woman...or whoever I was told to be that day....anymore.

Ok, I guess I thought about you a lot.  Actually, you drove a lot of my summer days.  My fear of seeing your protractor-smile motivated me to make the very most of every summer moment.  It also made me desperately sad at the end of those days that I felt hadn't lived up to their full potential. You made me feel like I had wasted time that I'd never get back...ever.  And now here you are, taunting me..."Did you do your best, Ash?  Did you do summer RIGHT?"

I guess you're not alone, Back To School Sign.  A lot of inanimate objects seem to evoke this response in me and my fellow humans.  Wonderful things like diplomas and wedding rings, baby shower invites and college acceptance letters....they make us want to dance and sob all at once.  The start of something new always means the end of something else, and we just hate when things end.

And we hate the unknown.

And we don't want to have any regrets.

I reluctantly look up the school supply list for Andy  and ask God to give me His perspective on all of  this.  He is revealing it, through verses that I am so familiar with that I quite often dismiss.  Here we go.

My friend tells me she's praying Psalm 46 for me.  Verse 10 says, "Cease striving and know that I am God.". Oh.  Right.  HE is the ultimate good, faithful, unchanging One who rules over all.  And I asked Him to be in charge of my life.  I asked HIM.  Should I stop trying to do His job?  Should I stop critiquing my execution of His job?  Er......

In Jeremiah, God says He knows the plans He has for me, and that they're good. (see Jeremiah 29:11). Is it possible that the all-knowing, eternal God sees this next stage of our lives...and has already planned for it?  Oh- and by the way, those plans are to give me a future and a hope.  Wait...is that true for my kids too?  You mean their future and hope don't hinge on my parenting?   On my being with them every second of the day?  On what type of schooling they receive?  Ummm ...hmmmm....

And the kicker--my awesome husband reminded me that God, through Paul, shares with us all the secret of contentment:

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"--Philippians 4:13

No, I can't jump off my house and expect not to break my legs because Christ will "strengthen" me; but I DO NOT need to do all of life ALONE!  We humans were never meant to do all things on this earth alone!  My friend moving across the country, my sister sending her little one to preschool, my cousin who is a mom-to-be, and I...CAN do all of these exhausting, wonderful, and terrifying things that lie ahead....WITH our Father because of the saving work of Jesus Christ.  Our comfort in life CAN come from the fact that in all of our failings, soarings, and crashings, we did it all with Emmanuel-- God WITH us.

And just maybe.....He caused...IS causing... it all to work for OUR good; and to accomplish His great and marvelous plans.  Could anyone ever dream to be a part of something bigger?

Oh--- and I can't mess it all up.  Not a single bit of it.

Well. Back To School Sign, this sure escalated quickly.  I still don't like you, and I wish you'd at least give us till August to not have to see your face.  Just know this: I am NOT afraid of you anymore.  You are not bigger than my God.

I win.

Hardship and Happiness

It's unbelievable, really.

I've attempted to write this post 5 times.  I almost succeeded just now, after an hour and a half of work, and my iPad just did the most hilarious thing.  As I typed out my final sentence, it just switched to a different page and got rid of all I'd done.

Hilarious, because this post is about hardship.  So forgive whatever grammar and spelling mistakes lie ahead.  Although it is well past my bedtime, you understand, I MUST finish this.

I'd heard it from the mouth of a dear friend: "Shine bright!". She says this to her daughter as she leaves her with my boys and I for a few hours one morning.

I think on this as I listen to Andy tell me that he missed school during Spring break.  He tells me of how he enjoyed serving a lonely, new boy at school the way he thinks Jesus would've done it.  I can't help but think how far we've come since the mornings  I'd walk away from the playground, leaving him crying underneath the slide.

Little does he know that his mama was ready to quit public school just a few weeks ago...over a pretty minor issue.

But really, it's a huge issue.  For all of us.  Let me explain (for the 5th time):

I was helping in Andy's class one day as they colored paper Easter eggs.  One little girl just couldn't decide what color to use for the background of her egg.  I suggested that she block it out, and use all three colors she liked.  While she was thrilled with this solution, she ended up getting in trouble for executing it.  Apparently, because some kids would end up with a big black blob if allowed to use more than one color, the children had been specifically instructed to use only one color.  The little girl was quite embarrassed, as was I.  My attempt to take all the blame for the incident was not successful.  "She knew better".  I left school that day determined to homeschool my kids.  I didn't want MY son's creativity squashed and traded in for conformity.  At least, that's what I told myself.

About a week later, our youngest son ended up in the hospital with Kawasaki disease.  I felt the same anger I'd felt in Andy's classroom that day, except this time, I was angry with God.  How could He let this happen?

It struck me as I sat in that hospital room....how easily I lose sight of the goal.  The prize.The reason for all I do.  For most of my life, I've made happiness (or maybe just the avoidance of unhappiness) the ultimate aspiration.  And so, if I am a "good" parent, I'll do everything in my power to eliminate all possible sources of unhappiness in my child's life, right? 

But this breaks down in the hospital room.  Because if God is MY good parent, why am I sitting here watching my baby boy burn up from the inside?

God, of course, does nothing accidentally.  And so, my Bible study group just happens to be working through the book of James.  You must know where I'm headed with this:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything"--James 1:2-4

Would I say that as a parent, I might like to see my boy become mature?  Complete?  LACKING NOTHING?  I have been willing to settle for far less: "I just want him to be happy...."

Because here's the real, honest truth, folks.  I'm not worried that public school will turn Andy into some kind of mindless, conforming robot.  The boy is the anti-joiner.  The mere fact that everyone is doing something is what makes him not want to do it.  I am not worried in the least that public school will crush his creativity.  The child comes home and creates spy gadgets out of copy paper, for heaven's sake.  The school system, in my eyes, had essentially become a threat to my Andy's happiness.  And because my goal for myself and for him has been quite displaced, I deemed that completely unacceptable.

Good Friday comes, and the Son of God hangs on a cross, utterly alone.  Had His Father chosen to trade His hardship for temporary happiness, you and I would have no hope.  None.

Easter Sunday comes, and Jesus rises to His Father's invitation: "Shine bright!". And the proof of His love and power lives.  The power of sin, the sting of death, GONE.

Happiness....a fleeting counterfeit for joy....joy that comes with the wholeness that only Christ can bring...it isn't the prize.

HE is the prize.

The guarantee was never a life without hardship.  The guarantee is that Jesus has redeemed all that is frustrating, sad, painful, and horrifyingly wrong with life in this world...and WE get to be part of that redemption.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world, you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."--John 16:33

Ill take the hardship.  Because if the trials and difficulties of this life are the doors through which I...and my son... get to enter into deeper relationship with the Highest and Best, it is worth it. it is MORE than worth it.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worthyto be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us."--Romans 8:18

Take heart, believer.  You hold the hand of the Light of men.  If you are unhappy, draw nearer to Him as you walk through the darkness.  He has already overcome it.  Rise to His invitation, and WITH Him, SHINE BRIGHT!

The Love Bug Perspective

I didn't exactly make it on the Parent of the Week board at Andy's school this week.

Granted, I'm new at this public school thing...as a parent, anyway.  And I REALLY want to do it all right.  I want to be the room mom that all the kids love.  I want to be the mom that  the teachers love to see coming down the hall.  I want to give Andy every possible advantage by establishing good relationships with the school staff so that he'll always get their smiles and benefit of the doubt.

But...it's not working out that way lately.  Let me just give you a few examples of things that are making me cringe a bit tonight:

* A teacher yelled at Andy for standing outside the girls' bathroom...because I had to take his little brother in there.  She was NOT happy that I, an adult, and he, a boy, were in there.

* I sent a "special" cupcake with sprinkles on it for a little girl in Andy's class.  It was his birthday, and he wasn't able to invite her to his party, so this was a little way to honor her friendship.  According to Andy, his teachers determined that this was quite unfair to the other kids.  They let her take it home, but I'm feeling sheepish.

* Andy couldn't check out a new book at the library today because the one he tried to return had enough water damage that we've got to pay to replace it.  How did it happen?  I don't know.  How did I not notice?  Same answer.

* While "helping" in Andy's classroom this week, I encountered a kid that would NOT focus on his work.  He spent an hour trying to glue his fingers together, cut pencils with scissors, argue with his table mates....you get the idea.  What did I do to help him?  "Get to work, Jason!" "Jason, you're going to miss self selection!" "Jason! Everyone's done but you!" "Come on, Jason, finish up!" The other mom that was there to help walked by as I was "motivating" young Jason, and I gave her a "this kid is hopeless" shrug and shake of the head.  She walked right up to him, challenged him to a cut-n-paste race, and he was done in 3 minutes.

Yeeeaahhhh.....my picture is certainly not hanging up anywhere in the school halls!  However, this is:

Everyone in Andy's class was asked to define love.  Their answers are all posted in the hall outside their classroom.  Andy, without hesitation, answered that Jesus Himself IS love, and that He makes us love others when He lives inside us.

He may not get the advantage of having the favorite room mom.

He not get the benefit of the doubt all the time.

He may not be treated at school the way I'd hope he would.

He may get punished for things outside of his control.

But he'll be alright, because he GETS the important thing: Jesus- King of the universe, Son of the Most High, Savior of the world,

Loves him.

Treasures him.

Lives in him.

Transforms him.

Empowers him.

Fills him.

Never leaves him.

These are the things that matter.  These are the things that allow a person to interpret a tough day, a wrong impression, an unfair judgement, a disappointment, as opportunities to grow closer to the God who's done everything to be close to us.

.

Andy's "love bug" proclaims truth and hope in the halls of a place whose visitors are desperate for both.  My reputation, my cupcakes, my involvement will speak nothing of the love and glory of God unless my focus is on things above- where the One Great Love is seated.  This is my prayer now.  Join me in it?

Father, "Set (my) mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For (I) have died, and (my) life is hidden with Christ in God. (Thank You that) when Christ who is my life appears, then (I) also will appear with him in glory" - Colossians 3:2-4 

How To Shine: From A DIY Failure

Reader, I'm very worried that you might misunderstand what I'm about to say.  And that's a real problem, because if you do, it would've been better for me not to write this at all.  It's taken me a month to figure out whether I should even relate this incident to you.  God won't allow me to let it go, though....so here we go....

Before I tell you what happened, I need you to understand something about me.  I have a very. short. fuse.  My patience in anything and with anyone is incredibly limited.  My outbursts of frustration have ranged anywhere from sobbing over calculus homework to unbelievably harsh words hurled at a loved one.  A LOVED one.

So you can imagine what it's like to get out the door to school at 8:15 a.m. With 3 boys aged 5 and younger.  Right- it ain't pretty.

And I've spent more time apologizing to my kids as we walk into school than ever before.  Because I'm sinful.  Because I lack self control.  Because I desperately need to be transformed by Jesus Christ, who died to redeem even our weekday mornings.

On one such morning, we huffed across the parking lot and I stewed about the attitudes, disobedience, and whinyness I'd encountered as I struggled to get everyone fed, dressed and out the door.  As usual, halfway across the parking lot, I realized that I'd wasted yet another morning -- an opportunity to speak truth to my children without insulting them....to discipline them without emotionally bruising them....to point them to the God who made the sun rise that day.

My heart sank.

I choked back tears and made feeble attempts to apologize to Andy and Levi as we raced against the clock to get to his class.  A quick weak hug.  A rub of the head.  "Have a good day...." And the job was done.  Poorly done.

I trudged back toward the parking lot with a heavy heart, trying to hold a squirming one-year old and hold the hand of a running 3 year-old.  Feeling like a total mess.  I pulled myself out of  my pitiful daze just long enough to realize that Levi was talking to me.

"....his brother pushed him out of the way in the parking lot.  And that wasn't very nice...". And although I was completely disinterested in whatever it was that he was relating, I attempted to answer Levi with, "well maybe he was trying to protect his brother.". I heard a little chuckle behind me.

I turned to see a woman smiling at me.  I smiled back.  And she said this:

"You have the most beautiful family!  My husband and I see you all the time and always talk about you.  You just seem so well cared for....so content.  We were just saying today, 'Oh there they are again!  I bet she has such a happy home...a great marriage..'. And my husband said to me, 'that's the way I want YOU to look!', because you know, it's our second time around together and...."

I was in complete shock.  And to my own surprise, I found myself walking through the open door.  I told her what a mess we were.  And I told her  what a relationship with Jesus does in a person, and how He changes him, her, a marriage and a home.  I told her that she hit on just the right word: "content", because no matter what, Jesus brings a joy that is immovable by circumstance or anything else.  I shook as I said it. And she just said, "that's awesome."

How could this person, having witnessed me in the aftermath of my very worst morning after morning, have possibly used the word "content" to describe me?  I have only one thought -

"It came about when Moses was coming down from Mount Sinai..that he (Moses) did not know that the skin on his face shone because of his speaking with Him (Almighty God)" - Exodus 34:29

Somehow, all of the mistakes I make every morning can't cover up the light of Christ that shines through me only because He died, rose, drew me, and saved me.  And here I am always looking for someone to minister to, to talk with, to help, so that I might have the opportunity to share the love of Christ.  But it's not my effort that makes the light. As Moses found out,  just being with Him noticably changes us.

As it turns out, "this little light of mine" is actually a consuming fire that can't be doused -- by guilt, by sin, by anger, by fear, by anything.  Reader- meet with your Lord today and know that if you have accepted Jesus' death on the cross as the penalty paid to cover your sin, He sends you out today to shine.  So that the world will know His love for them.  So that the lost will find hope in Him.  So that the weary will find rest in Him. So that the captive will find freedom in Him. And the best part is that you don't have to figure out how to do that....

You just will.